while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.