Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I thought this was funny lol
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
We need to put an American base on the sun
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.