Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast