drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color