Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
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Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If a snake ate a cake