911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
is it earth
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I missed you with all my darts
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m calling the cops.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic