[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
translated into Canadian
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.