Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Geez man, take it easy.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Going into Monday like
So creative 😂
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor