Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*