ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
✌🏽
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*