Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
🤣😈🤣
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Yeah. This was me today.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs