Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition