[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear