Shark week, but for squirrels.
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]