*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair