If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Merry Christmas
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.