The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*