The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
You Might Also Like
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
New mindset, who dis?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors