When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
good let them take over I have had enough
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?