Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*