Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.