I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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“Huge”.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.