My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice