[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
much to think about
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.