My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.