Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
So we got a goldfish…
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌