Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
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Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I used to be married, but I’m better now
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me