Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Cats are still liquid.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism