My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.