“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
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ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out