[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.