Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.