Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
how to exercise your calf muscles
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack