Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.