What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.