Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Welcome to the stomach
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.