Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets