I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters