Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
You Might Also Like
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Why do meteors always land in craters?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
bears
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.