I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.