please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
peak technology
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
🌱🌱🌱
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.