Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.