The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think