“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?