I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.