me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The Punning Dead.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great