My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
A double negative is a big no-no.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen