Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
no their not
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips