*serious situation*
My brain:
You Might Also Like
Cause of death: Zumba
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
LOL!
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
thank god the sign was there
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Bless you
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
huge valentines day plans this year!!
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.