There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*